In the spirit of trickery and mischievousness that surrounds today, we hope this blog post bring you a smile and maybe a chuckle. Happy April Fools’ Day from the Access Innovations…err… Exo Sanitations team!
Things move very quickly in technology and computing these days. The overwhelming amount of information that is now available is incomprehensible, and it’s certainly a quagmire that is building faster than the tools to manage it. At least that was the case.
In a highly secret (of course) and groundbreaking plunge into knowledge management, Exo Sanitations, Inc. has geniuses who spent years in seclusion, perfecting special, elusive talents. Science, technology, and computing, you ask? No! Telepathy and mind-linking to computers. After many encouraging developments, it ultimately became obvious that the project would not reach the level of success originally anticipated. The reason? Human emotion.
At the beginning, there was a satisfying upward curve of progress toward greater meeting of minds and the power to gather and organize information in completely new and astonishing ways. Then, a greater stride forward – Exo Sanitations’ think tank members found that the subconscious is more adept at processing information than the conscious mind.
Then came the stunning factor that rendered all efforts useless: subconscious minds cannot be controlled the way conscious minds can be. Any sort of anxiety, stress, anger, or emotional instability causes the work toward organization of information to take very wrong and startling directions, along with connections and references that could only be described as nightmarish. (Please, let’s not even venture into the rather embarrassing task of trying to maintain professional relationships after so much time spent linking the subconscious minds of our brave innovators.)
Suddenly, the solution became as obvious as the proverbial elephant in the room. Exo Sanitations’ president Maxine Magma is fond of telling anyone who will listen that we are on the bleeding edge of technology. That statement has taken on the value of literal truth. All the years of agonizing trial and error in the murky field of mind exploration were not completely wasted. Magma, in a sudden burst of comprehension, realized that everything was backward.
Trying to create a link between minds, conscious or subconscious, and then to knowledge management, to eventually translate into useful programming, data management, and searchability was wrong. A simple surgical procedure (hence the bleeding) allowed the natural magnetism of the human body to directly input knowledge in raw computer code, ready to be programmatically manipulated for any use. Now, the subconscious mind really can be put to optimal use.
Asked if there are any negative impacts on the pioneers of mind/computer communion… err… communication, Magma admitted that slight speech impediments and a tendency to crave chocolate and caffeine were the only obvious changes. Iron supplements improve connectivity among the super-powerful subconscious minds of an undisclosed number of subjects.
Look for an incredible outpouring of custom data management programs, thesauri, and reference aids in every subject in the known universe – and that knowledge is increasing exponentially. Exo Sanitations is modifying their workplace facility to accommodate the need for more comfortable and ergonomically suited office space, as well as continuous-feed caffeine and chocolate.
Scrunchy Burette (who asked for anonymity, as she did not have the permission to divulge such information), Taxonomist, Exo Sanitations
Originally published in 2013, but the need remains.