Today is Halloween and we here at Access Innovations wanted to be sure you are ready for the hordes of zombies bound to be knocking down the doors. Are you ready? If you’re not, never fear. We created a very unique tool to help you keep your head (pun intended) during the zombie apocalypse: a zombie taxonomy.
Now you can identify which undead corpse is coming after you, and how best to put it down. Or perhaps you’d rather wrangle that flesh-eater and use it for labor, entertainment, maybe even to defend your territory against your less prepared peers. We pass no judgments here. Use this taxonomy as your personal apocalypse manifesto, your gospel of zombie destruction, your ultimate tool against the undead.
Zombies come in all disgusting shapes and forms. Some are slow and stupid, others are deadly fast and still pretty stupid. Some can simply be incapacitated so you can get away, but others will have to be killed (or un-killed?). You will need an arsenal of supplies and weapons to keep yourself and your loved ones safe, and our comprehensive list works as a great jumping-off point. Do you like to work with your hands? Try a baseball bat, or perhaps a chainsaw. You can feel right at home while ridding the world of vicious biters, and you’ll get a great workout, too! Maybe you’re more the tactical type—that’s okay, pick up those firearms and put those long hours of playing video games to good use.
Also outlined in our taxonomy are methods for early infection prevention, as well as types of infection to look out for. Maybe the apocalypse was brought on a by a virus, in which case, treat everyone around you like they have all come down with the flu. However, if your virus is airborne, it might be time to admit defeat—you’re already infected! If so, not to worry, you can still be of use to your fellow survivors before you die (and then come back to try and eat them). Preparing your very own apocalypse bunker is one of the best ways to be sure that you will be ready when the world ends. If you like to procrastinate, just imagine hundreds of corpses slowly approaching you, looking at you like a turkey on Thanksgiving. That should be motivation enough to begin stockpiling canned food and power generators right now.
Whatever your zombie survival needs, Access Innovations is here to guide you. With our team of undead experts at your side, there’s no way you can fail. Unless, of course, you’re still procrastinating getting that bunker ready. We can’t help you with that. We would like to apologize if you were looking for protection from other creatures and monsters this Halloween: zombies ate our experts on vampires, ghosts, werewolves, and bogeymen. It was tragic, but it also sparked our immediate interest in protection from the undead. Written from our efficient office/bunker, this is the Zombie Response Team at Access Innovations, wishing you a happy apocalypse.
Gena “Supernatural” San Nicolas
James “Jack O’ Lantern” Schumann
Melody K. “Mayhem” Smith
“Spooky” Sam Lewis
And all the crew at Access Innovations.
Sponsored by Access Innovations, the world leader in taxonomies, metadata, and semantic enrichment to make your content findable.
Originally posted October 14, 2013.